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[07 May 2007|07:01pm] |
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Same girl... same scenerio - this time she tells me she loves me, wants to be with me, yada yada yada. I fall for it - cuz I'm naive like that - then she tells me this afternoon - NO!!! Again... like my hearts a yoyo. I'm done with it - I can't handle it any more. She is dragging my heart around and doesn't care.
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| What really bothers me |
[28 Nov 2006|10:48pm] |
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Ok... so Milly and I got back together - in theory. Yes, I believed you was treating me like shit - and I told her. She agreed. No, I wasn't miss perfect either - but I was forgiving and even asked for forgiveness. Something so trivial - but I had asked her to change her status several times - not only does she keep the status "single" she changes the picture of her in a bikini. She tells me she forgives me and then wants to go back to two days ago - but then what?? WTF?? I promised myself to never let someone treat me shitty - never put myself in that again - and what the fuck am I doing?? At least I can give Milly some credit - she doesn't think I'm stupid like Sarabeth did. Why did I say she was acting like an asshole the other day?? Because by saying that she was treating me as Sarabeth - it would be a worse insult. So indirectly - I was being nice. But honestly - the thing that really really really bothers me is that - I not only forgave her and her treatment - I made the full effort and she ignored me. And now - it's almost like she wants me to grovel "just a little more". What the fuck??? It's like she really really really wants to hurt me some more - knowing what hurts, knowing what bothers - I'm getting no leeway here - I almost want to say - FUCK IT - I'D RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE TREATED THIS WAY!!!!!!!! I'm sick of being hurt - of being treated like shit no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. What they say and how they act is really fucking different.
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| It WAS a good weekend... |
[30 Jan 2006|05:58pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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one word - kelly osbourne |
] |
I spent my weekend in Tampa - it was GREAT!! Then... I came home - total time elapsed before Sarabeth started in with me inconveniencing her with my laundry that needed done - 15 minutes. That's right... she hasn't paid rent in months - but i inconvenienced her. WTF?? I really can't stand her - I hope she gets fucking fired so she has to move down to tampa. I'm paying all the bills and she makes an effort to make my life a living hell. I'm happier when she ignores me, leaves me alone, is out of the house, or I am gone. I am making an effort to be gone every evening and every weekend. I will never make a mistake like her again... that is certain.
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| Cool Day |
[21 Jan 2006|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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Allah Alek Ya Cidi - Ehab Tawfiq |
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I woke up this morning... with an urge to buy myself STUFF!! I traditionally have always spent money on g/f's... and kinda let myself take leftovers to an extent. But not today. I dropped about a Grand on clothing, IPOD toys and Victoria Secret - I know I'll probably feel it a little later... but I know my Va money is coming in... so I don't feel so bad. I bought lots of girlie colors too, so even if no one likes it... I DO!! Jennifer talked me into going out to Potbellies with 2 Israeli guys that are her good friends. It should be fun, although it has been a while since I've been to a straight club. At least the music will be better than the lesbian club of choice. I am boycotting the lesbian clubs in this town... when I want to go dancing I will go to Tampa - YBOR!! Son Chicas son muy simpaticas, and way cuter. And I miss my friends which I think is the most part. I decided I'm going to church tomorrow. Depending on how I feel, I may go twice.
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| Tallahassee - My kind of Town - Ranting and Certainly NOT Raving - Spilling YOUR Dirt and MINE |
[15 Jan 2006|02:19am] |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Habibi Al Nur Ila Eyan |
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Hello... my name is Cheri and I live in TALLAFUCKINHASSEE!! Ok... my loathe for this town is certainly at a peak so it is most certain that I must express my gratitude to my internal growth. Had a great beginning of my night... houka bar - yes... I was at PEACE. Straight Arabs... love me. Wallahi... we get along great. Because unlike most lesbians in this town I can see past the BULLSHIT and not judge prematurely - not all arabs are terrorists. Then... at the gay bars... not so wallahi. I am viewed like the PLAGUE!! Why? My reputation states I must be a total asshole, player, so thus... I have had to EARN every fucking friend in this town. My introduction to this town - on the surface - I cheated on Rheanna with Courtney (Courtney did NOT know I had g/f) after Rheanna went through surgery for Tumors. Then Sarabeth goes out with Rheanna, and I proceed to date Sarabeth when they didn't work out... behind rheanna's back. Sounds like a slimeball doesn't it? Like a TOTAL bitch. The reality is - this town sees only what they want to see. I must be a player right?? I must be an asshole for doing rheanna that way. Here is the reality - socially when someone sees you a certain way - you will NEVER grow in their eyes if they do not talk to you, and you will never be more than they see on a first impression. So I am a total bitch. That said... I also express the fact I had been through 2... that's right 2 war campaigns - 5 SETS OF ORDERS - IN A ROW right before I met Rheanna. The significance being I was deployed so many times that I went through women like candy... compliments of the military. Something NO ONE in this town can even FATHOM to UNDERSTAND. Good Women... one possibly the love of a life. I was LOYAL to every last one. Even before then I was LOYAL, when every last girlfriend cheated. I was LOYAL to the military first - I was, and always will be a SOLDIER. ALL I wanted when I came home was to settle down... and to be AT PEACE. A comprehension past most people, since they like to see everyday bullcrap as significant. I DON'T. And yes... it seemed that much more insignificant after putting my life daily in harms way. Just imagine... YOU KNOWING significant intelligence indicating that either you or someone you worked with was going to be OFF'd on a regular basis because intel is never exactly clear on who the intended target is. That's right... if you live in tallahassee and are a civilian stateside you will NEVER FUCKING know so don't even try to empathize. Now imagine... you come home just wanting peace and you can't even sleep through a night without jolting out of bed because you are so used to gunfire, mortars, and grenades. Now imagine you meet a girl who tells you she is everything you WANT. Not what you think you want... but everything you want. False advertisement. From the beginning I wanted nothing but to just love... give all and settle down in peace and harmony. THAT WAS ALL. Now imagine that she is whiny, complains all the time, EXTREMELY depressive, lazy, does nothing to help even though you are commuting an hour to and then an hour from work regularly because she suggests WE move in together... and I did. Now imagine EVERY time you try to talk to her about issues that are weighing heavily on you she cries HYSTERICALLY. Now imagine nagging, complaining, and hampering your growth. Everything I loved was cut off... no dancing in anything but redneck bars when she said, no culture, no working out, NOTHING. Where I saw potential she saw - DEPRESSION. And last but not leastly... imagine sexually selfish. That's right... she never went down on me... she HATED it at the time. So inadvertantly I became self conscious because I knew she hated it. You can not change someone... that is a reality... they have to change themselves. I did miss her when she joined the army, I thought she'd grow. HERE IS A REALITY ABOUT ME - I hold military values EXTREMELY high. I was ALWAYS an exceptional soldier and to me leaders were to surpass subordinates in leading and morals. They were not to mislead subordinates, they were to take charge AND lead by example. Of which... she mislead subordinates and she did not take charge. Sounds so insignificant to a civilian - but to someone in the military these are Cardinal sins, and if they are not I would question the soldiers integrity. Quite honestly it was a breaking point for me if you will. Then she got sick, I knew when she came home I wanted to break up with her, but I was NOT going to do that when she was sick. I took care of her - not a little bit - she couldn't even wipe her ass. I was not going to not be there for her when she really needed someone - regardless of my selfish wants - I took care of her FULLY without regard to me. I still to this day believe her mother hampers her growth - which was the main reason I took on the responsibility - it was MY choice. Her mother depresses her. I cheated on Rheanna AFTER she went back AFTER I cared for her. I was waiting to see her physically again to break up with her. I cheated because I was selfish in a moment knowing that I was not going to be with her when I saw her again. Situationally. I liked Courtney, but I did NOT want a relationship because I had not technically broken up with rheanna. I wanted to feel wanted - quite simply. I broke up with Rheanna the next time I saw her. The exact next time I saw her. Then, of course, Jill tells Rheanna I cheated on her with Courtney. Then I DATED and didn't want to ever enter into a relationship unless it was with the right girl - then I met Sarabeth - and yes... I slept with her BEFORE rheanna... she didn't like me - like most in this town she thought I was an asshole. Rheanna showed up on our first date and tossed pott shots at me. All but implying I was an asshole - Sarabeth's first impression of me. Sarabeth didn't like me at first, but she did like sleeping with me. Then she wanted to go out with Rheanna because she seemed more the relationship material - did I stand in the way... NO!! She decided she didn't like Rheanna and then SHE STARTED contacting me again. SHE wanted friends with benefits, SHE wanted a relationship, she loved me, she wanted to marry me, she wanted a family with me and that she could only see her future with me - and I BOUGHT IT - I did everything to try to please her, she treated me horribly and then she dumps me - that's right... SHE DUMPED ME!! To date guys!! not that I am being too particular... but that was a rather harsh slap. And I think all things considered I handled it rather well - although she wanted me over it within a few days living in the SAME house still. It took me almost two weeks to comply fully. Sorry I was a tad bit SLOW. I moved forward. And now... I am stuck in this town. TALLAFUCKINHASSEE The same 60 women wife swapping. Everyone knows me - RIGHT??? Player, slimeball, plague?? My family still sees me as 12 year old Cheri - and this town will probably always see me as the plague so I can comfortably say - I will happily have nothing to do with those narrowminded individuals - to my friends in this town, you have my loyalty something most women in this town can not fully comprehend either, to those superficial and those who only see asshole me - you prove to me your incompetence - and it is unmistaken. Your character speaks volumes. There are only two people in this town that I owe apologies to - Courtney is one. She is the only one that has full reason to despise me. I am truly sorry. And to be honest, I shouldn't have to apologise to the second person, but it is in my nature to do so, and I know there was harm done inadvertantly. She is the only other person who is justified in not liking me. The rest of you who do not like me - can HAPPILY kiss my ass. And I assure you in the bitchiest way possible I am out of your league - I have NO tolerancy for people who prejudge in any way. You are socially ignorant. Oh... I almost forgot even though sarabeth is looking to date men... she would still pursue Courtney. That does not bother me in the least - why? Because Sarabeth was horrible to me - still is for the most part. Anyone who wants her - can have her with my blessing - and GOOD FUCKING LUCK!! This is not an ex bashing entry it is blatently honest - Rheanna has grown and I know she sees how miserable I was, but there is no way I would ever go back out with her because quite honestly its not what I want, either is Sarabeth - and I am over it. So everyone who thinks I am a slut, player, whatever -the only three women I slept with in this town were Courtney, Rheanna, and Sarabeth - two of which were my long term girlfriends. For those of you who label me a Cheater - I have more loyalty than anyone you will ever fathom to know. My values are embedded in my soul and are not shallow like most people's. I value honesty. And I am blatently honest. I didn't lie to courtney - I just plainly didn't tell her. She is the only one I owe an apology. I felt more at home as a foreigner in a war torn area than in this town - Thank you so very much Tallahassee!!!
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| Changes |
[13 Jan 2006|01:25pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Fall Away - My brilliant beast |
] |
Tonights drunkenness will not quench tomorrow's thirst. An ancient Egyptian proverb I should have paid attention to.
Ok, so I am starting to grow up in many aspects. After much contemplation I decided maybe I should prolong grad school one year and just work at Centcom or DC for the one year for valuable experience advising. I need to work on my GRE scores for Georgetown and George Washington this I know. I am still going to apply to Florida State as I know I can get in and the grad degree in International relations really appeals to me. I found out my dead sea scrolls class actually is more directed to the Tree of life - a class focusing on the proverbial part of ancient religion placing emphasis on proverbs of the dead sea scrolls as well as other ancient religions. It's a seminar so I should learn much and hopefully expand myself more internally. I am at this super strange cross road in my life - I am just sitting back and seeing which way the wind blows me. I don't know where I will be in six months - a year - 5 years - nothing is or will be definate in my life again. I know I will have money and I will be successful - this is the only definate thing I know. My outlook on women has changed dramatically - I used to think as long as there was a strong attraction mentally and physically at first intimacy was acceptable. That is no longer the case. I will not do another one night stand again, regardless of assurances from the other party that that is not what they want or intend. I have always made wrong decisions by becoming intimate quickly - every time. If the woman is respectable she sees me as an asshole, lacking substance, and slimy, and if she lacks substance or is freaky - I'm her girl. This is not what I am about. I know I am not for everybody - or for 99 percent of the lesbian population for that matter. Women have a tendency to think they want something until they have it - and then realize it's not all they truly wanted. I am passionate in everything I do - and I half ass nothing. Life is too short to half ass things. I look younger than I am, I have experience and intellect far surpassing most women regardless of age, and I am still kiddish and laid back in nature. I can't be with someone that is not like me - I know it does not work. I enjoy life in all of its facets... is that so bad?
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| Updates... |
[11 Jan 2006|05:26pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Moroccan |
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Recently it has been pointed out to me I am a sex addict - and aparently everyone knew but me.. strangely it was the only criticism I didn't get from Sarabeth. It's not that I get it a lot, just that I think about it more than I should. I just thought I had a healthy sex drive. How was it able to manifest so long? - well... the middle east is one reason, and being around pervy guys is another. What do guys talk about when they get together - sex with women of course - and so did I - I blended very well. Now I am making a conscious effort to curtail my thoughts by diving into school work. I love most of my classes but i can tell I may have some problems with the teacher in American Defense Policy - I understand the subject matter is a one sided tool, but he all but amway sold the Iraq war on the first day. Neocon classes - my fav. On another tangent - I don't have jennifer in any of my classes this semester - and I totally miss her. She called me and wants to hang out - she misses me too. She really is one of my best friends and she really helped me realize alot lately. I can't wait to go to Jerusalem with her - and get the Palestinian tour. Time to get back to work.
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| Ms. Bipolar, she was fun! |
[31 Dec 2005|12:51pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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music |
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Del al amar - Ehab Toufic |
] |
I have been talking to this woman lately who seems rather impressive because she is almost exactly like me - including former navy, in the Mid East, my age, same place in life, MENTALLY STABLE etc. etc. What is nice is that I have always said my perfect woman would be ME!! I have done a lot of soul searching lately in Leu of my latest, and most certainly greatest of failures in a relationship. I realized that the biggest thing that truly hit me hardest was that I had failed. Why was I hurt?? My Ego. That's right... as much of a loser she had become - I was not up to HER standards - so she dumped me. The realization I have come to (and it was not that hard) was that this woman I had been with hampered everything about me that made me me - in essence, I had lost my identity. Then you start looking at the whole picture and a larger realization hits you - I treated her like a queen - and she treated me like SHIT. Then we have to delve even further back and go... well... what went wrong? Why did I end up with this horrid creature, why did I stay when I was miserable? How did I let her break me, and how can I avoid such catastrophe in the future? When I first met Sarabeth she was on the road to success - she was intelligent, well read, sweet, caring, law student, gave to charities, listened to me, would go out with me, took care of herself, freaky in bed, was maticulous in everything including bills - basically - what I thought would be great for me. She had this one flaw though... she was bipolar... but I thought, hey, as long as she stays medicated it will be alright.... BAWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Her impulsive spending seemed a little strange at the beginning but I thought - well... she is just treating herself and that too can be a good thing. We technically moved in with each other in May - but were pretty much living together before then. Ever sense we moved out together she slowly (at first), but then more quickly made my life a living hell - and she did it in such a way - I thought it was just a phase. And the criticisms, ill treatment, her visual flaws as well as her underlying flaws just snowballed. I read over a blog entry from the girl I am interested in and she described the lack of quality of women in the lesbian community - Breaking them down into catagories - when I got to her last catagory ... And let us not forget MS. BIPOLAR (she was fun!) - I could not help but LAUGH hysterically. Yes... I dated ms. bipolar and she sure was FUN.
I guess I should have known at first - she hated my NAME... She has only used it a FEW times in the whole time we were together. Can you say foreshadowing?
I was too short
I had a lisp
I had small teeth
I became mediocre in bed and at first - I was just ok (so it was inferred later)
My choice in clothing sucked - after all I wore a striped shirt on our first date - she should have known then
She hated the color of my hair
She hated the fact I was in the military
She hated my friends - so we never hung out with them - even friends I haven't seen in years and had an oppurtunity to see.
NOBODY was allowed over under ANY circumstances -No friends, colleagues
She stopped cleaning anything - but refused to let me clean because things had to be her way EXACTLY- everything had to be her way - so inevitably the house looked like a tornado in moments - and then I'd become the slave and try to clean up behind her anyways (when i couldn't live in the mess)- and get yelled at in the process
She made lists of demands of what and how she wanted things done that were to be STRICTLY followed
She would not do her laundry - I would do it and get yelled at for how it was done.
Her excuse for not cleaning or doing anything - Well... if she didn't do it... she knew I would.
She screamed at me all the time
She nagged me when she wasn't screaming
She wanted me near her ALL THE TIME, and would complain, or get angry when I wasn't, but then would get mad that I was around so much.
She had to be right ALL the time -
Let's not forget that time she was too lazy to get her pills she dropped next to the bed - so she just didn't take them for a week and didn't say a word. (That was a FUN week btw). Mid terms and she tells me after a 2 day stretch of me trying to study and wait on her with no sleep. Tell... oh... I'm sorry she yelled it.
She hated my civilian job - mind you I live in a college town so you kinda take what you can get
She stopped pleasing me after 2 months of being together.
I wasn't read well enough (for her standards) and the fact that I only read books surrounding my school subjects disgusted her (while I was in school mind you).
She had 120,000 in Debt - Flunked out of law school - not because she wasn't bright enough mind you - she just refused to do her papers - Talk about a permanent STD!
She can't keep a job - and is barely keeping the one she is in now - She barely goes
She only makes 10,000 a year - but spends over 30,000
She NEVER opens her mail - it just sits there and piles up - the reason things have gotten shut off was because she refused to open it even when I was going to pay it.
She would complain when I had to do homework or go to class - Why don't you stay home with me? (of course on a day she was suppose to work too) or the day before a test, midterm or final - I mean, how could I have been so selfish not to see she needed me?
Every item in the house had to be exactly what she wanted - no substitutes, no compromises - Purex laundry soap, Fresh step cat litter - crystals mind you, Fragrance free laundry sheets, tampax pearl tampons, dole caesar salad - etc etc... but my favorite of these was certainly the choice in toilet paper - it had to be cottonelle... why? Because she doesn't need to know what a bear does in the woods. If for whatever reason I had to substitute, such as they didn't have her EXACT brand - I NEVER heard the end of it.
She hated the fact I put FOOD in the fridge - because you know before me she never had food in the fridge.
She hated diet coke in a can or bottle - It had to be fountain soda
I didn't bathe the dog as much as I should
My breasts were ugly because they look like pecs to her
They were small for her standards - cuz you know if its not C or above its like dating a boy.
My feet were UGLY because I am flat footed and had bunyons - So I couldn't wear open toed shoes of any sort
She hated my choice in movies (so of course we never saw any movie of my liking) - funny, horror - she liked teen flicks - Go Hillary Duff!!!
She hated my laugh - especially if I was laughing to "mundane" humor - how do you find van wilder or american pie funny... it's disgusting
I laughed too much
I always took the wrong route when driving - I mean cuz you know there is only one way to go to a location, and stopping at a light that took longer than 30 seconds requires another route - (sometimes I am just so slow you know)
There was never music in the house
She NEVER went to any events that were important to me, or that I wanted to attend
She never wanted to leave the house
We never went dancing - and she knows i love it
We went to the movies - at LEAST 1, 2, or 3 times a week - and if I wasn't up for a movie you know I was just the biggest bitch.
She was a horrible impulsive spender - We were barely making ends meet and she decided she needed a 600 pair of earrings, but don't they look stunning? Yeah... I was stunned. Let's not forget about the 1500 network direct deal - it's like coupons on Steroids!! Everyone needs a carpet flicker when you have a perfectly good vacuum you know!! Especially when you DON'T vacuum!!
Shaving or trimming down there is not good enough... feels like stubble - Brazilian Wax Time!! Ouch - It's not like it mattered anyways.
When she stopped letting me please her it was great!! I got to hear her while she masterbated in the other room!!
Let's not forget my dress and attire!!
Naked??? No... We must wear PJ'S all the time - Why?? Because I like to stay in the room ALL the time.
National Geographic, History channel, Discovery, Comedy Central?? No, No, No - it's CSI, Survivor, Law and Order, and Jeopardy ONLY... ok ok... sometimes we can watch the golden girls.
Bed time??? Why do you always fall asleep so early? Any normal human being stays up until 2 or 3 when they have to work at 8, didn't you know??
How can you put your bra on that way?? I snapped it in the front and turned it around, but aparently it's as appauling as picking one's nose in public. I never knew!
How can I eat like that? letting the fork hit my teeth is SOOOO annoying.
Onions or Coffee - ewww... I am not kissing you... oh wait a second I'm not kissing you anyways. You only eat and drink that stuff to make me angry.
I don't like the school gym... join my gym. Oh... I never really went... I just bought the membership. Work out??? But the thought of going to the gym tires me... don't go... stay with me!! Ewww you're getting fat.
She would start arguments with me to see if I CARED... Never quite figured that one out
The A/C has to be set to 65 - or else it's just too hot... 450 dollar electric bill?? How come?? I live in the house too and we are leaving the lights on for me.
Don't you dare start going to church on me now.
She never asked me how anything went - she just knew I was gonna get good grades, and everything so why ask?
She SPELLCHECKED EVERYTHING I wrote - including Grammer and it had to be PERFECT.
She corrected my grammer in sentences - mid sentence - Yes... she would start an argument, and stop me mid sentence during an argument to correct my grammer.
Giving to Charities is fine and encouraged especially when we are relatively BROKE - but you don't need to give money or anything to your sister and her kids because their house burned down and they were poor to begin with. She wasn't really that poor anyways - I mean... she only lived in a trailor with 4 kids and another one on the way. But she is totally sufficient.
I waited on her hand and foot - she would drag me out of bed in the morning to take care of her - "Well aren't you going to help me?" usually barked - not the brightest morning
If she was sick or not feeling well... (which was all the time by the way) and I did not do EVERYTHING for her - I was just totally insensitive to her needs.
OH!! Let's start another project - I only have 150 barely started, but let's go out and buy tons of supplies so I can have another one.
She told me how sensitive she was when someone was sick - well... unless she was sick too. Guess what happened when I felt sick?? I can't take care of you... I don't feel good.
What was really nice was when she would say "you know, before you I was always romantic with my g/f's" - but strangely with me there was no romantic effort on her end - at all!!
There is certainly a reason why I was hesitent at the thought of dating anyone after her.
YES... MS BIPOLAR WAS FUN!!!! Finally a vacation and time for me to care about me and grow. Wallahi I was stupid!
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| EQ |
[14 Dec 2005|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Golden Girls |
] |
| Your EQ is | 173
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
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[12 Dec 2005|01:02pm] |
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music |
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Worlds on Fire Remix - Sarah |
] |
<td align="center">Kindness
Kindness is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You want someone who will go through everything with you - the best moments and the worst, and all of those other moments in between. You love to be able to say anything to your partner, and have them say anything to you. You are able to be extremely close with your partner for that reason.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
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[12 Dec 2005|12:46pm] |
You fit in with:
Spiritualism
Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.
60% spiritual.
40% reason-oriented.
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Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
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[11 Dec 2005|02:41pm] |
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music |
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albal - Samira Saied |
] |
Ok... maybe sarabeth was right - I am contemplating dating again. I have been feeling relatively horny lately. More than usual and I realise - I do not want a relationship - true, but sex is not so far out of the question. I am suffering from picturing almost every attractive woman naked. My only problem is - sex usually ends to more so I am at stage one. I have to be careful this time or I will end up in the same predicament later. I have also discovered that normal people bore me. Normal as in... mundane - no real mental excitement or ambition other than a trip to cedar point, internet gossip, work environment or local bar scene. Women that are not intelligent or cultured lose my attention quickly as well. Plus the sex is boring. Regardless of looks if there is no intelligence I don't find them attractive. I am at that next stage in my life - SUBSTANCE. Now I have found myself searching internet personals without regard for distance. For some reason distance calls for adventure - and I am feeling ultimately adventurous. Sarabeth is starting to take second fiddle and this growth is good. I can't wait till after finals - i am going dancing. I also want to travel somewhere but not sure where. Boston, Washington, Seattle, Wyoming or Oregan in the short term? Long term travel - hmmmm... Greece, Lebanon, Israel, Spain, France... maybe Egypt - Thebes that is? I need to recomplete my list of wants so that I don't lose judgement. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person - which is pretty much most women. What attracts me... keeps me going... and is realistic?
In order of importance...
1. Intelligence
2. Cultured
3. Strong knowledge of Foreign affairs
4. Knowledge of domestic politics
5. Attractive -
6. Femme or tomboy
7. Athletic or Semi athletic
8. Outdoorsy and DEFINATELY laid back
9. Total Adventurer - travel, domestic, sexually, socially
10. Knows what she wants - no indecisiveness
11. Ability to adapt to change and has ambitions
12. Can Dance
13. Sensitive to my needs
14. Affectionate
15. Not Selfish
16. Clean and somewhat Organized
17. Dog person
18. LIBERAL
19. Spiritual, or religious, and has come to terms with sexual identity in that
20. Open minded - culturally, music, movies, events -
21. Doesn't yell
22. Encourages - not criticizes
23. Not a male hater
24. Not mental, suicidal, depressive or constantly complaining
25. Over the ex
26. Sexually - give and take - NOT selfish, versatile - can be dominent or submissive, makes love... has sex... can deal with porn and public displays of affection. Is comfortable enough to tell me her REAL fantasies.
27. Either working on her degree, has a bachelor's or graduate degree - preferably in the history, international affairs, politics, anthropology, or area studies.
28. Brings out the best in me - lets me expand myself and does not restrict me
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[07 Dec 2005|09:32pm] |
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I have started back in focus - finally. I spoke with Dr. Schlenoff today and explained my situation. She said I was crazy for staying in the same house - and that one of us should sublet. I am trying to figure out what I need to start and stay in focus. I need a work out partner - that is first and foremost. I actually put an add out in planetout. I also responded to a vegan girl that works out 4 times a week that is looking for friends. I am trying to surround myself with friends of similar interests - but we will see. I had a nice evening - didn't think about her hardly at all - as long as someone was talking to me. Time for survivor
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[05 Dec 2005|04:19pm] |
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Today some monkey ass sideswiped me in my vehicle. Not a bad dent but I didn't care - just don't have the time or effort to deal with it. His excuse was - he thought I saw him. I don't think I am going to go home right after class. I need to at least attempt to look over the LSAT book for tomorrow. I quite blatently will probably give a new meaning to the word fail - but at least I can have the experience - plus I paid for it. I am starting to get some sort of focus - I made it to class today after much effort. I drove someone to their car to get their spot - and some girl tried to take it. I would not have hesitated to tell her to fuck off stupid sorority slut. OK... so maybe I wouldn't have meant it - no actually... I probably would have come to think about it. I tried to talk to Dr. Schlenoff today - but she was in a meeting and after waiting an hour I had to go to class. Greg told me we would go camping. I need a pilgrimage I have decided... somewhere... I just need to figure out where. I am having a hard time focusing in the house - but I am having a harder time actually leaving the house. Yesterday at work was torture. The last thing you need during a break up is sappy ass music. Delilah type music... who names a child delilah anyways? Wasn't she the heathen temptress of Samson? Just a thought. I am passively listening to the Israeli, Palestinian conflict - for the upteenth hundred time. Priorities - Arabic translations, readings, study for finals - plan for next year. Sheik Ahmed Yassin - name of the day - I think only Jennifer and I know who that is. Finally an interesting topic - Assassinations.
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[04 Dec 2005|10:35pm] |
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Castles in the Sky - dj ryan neal |
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Sarabeth and I are officially broke up. My heart is severely aching and there is nothing that can be done. She keeps reminding me of this - I think more for her benefit than for mine. I know she misses it when I am not in the same room with her... regardless of what I am doing. I am sleeping in the office bedroom tonight... and probably the remainder of out time in this house. I am sure the pain I feel for her will subside eventually... its just excrutiating right now. I went out dancing last night... and it felt pretty good. Not out looking to hook up - the last thing I need is to meet some dramatized lesbian that is out to steal my individuality and compromise my existence ... I just needed to dance off some of my aggression. I came home drunk... an accomplishment in itself and proceeded to make an utter ass of myself. My emotions at present are a spectrum of emotions... I just take out one for the moment I am in. Cynical, frustrated, aggitated - and I don't care. Last night... I did control myself from virtually mocking 2 young FSU music students that were in "love" - my brain was screaming - when y'all break up... you are gonna be stuck looking at each other everyday! But instead I was nice... Some gay guy tried to toss me on this lesbian - she was cute - but I was not totally not interested in her or her friend. Anyways... time for night night.
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[30 Nov 2005|11:32am] |
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sarabeth's breathing |
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Procrastinating school... which is bad because I have two assignments due tonight I have yet to start. Quick translations so hopefully they will not be that bad. En sha allah. Sarabeth and I talked late into the night - and accordingly we woke up late and she missed school. We cried and had sex till three. Didn't really solve anything other than at least there is some lust still there. We are not putting pressure on each other... we are just taking things day by day - but both of us feels like it is going nowhere. On the positive side - she said I would make a great contestant on Survivor because I can see through all the bullshit. Quite possibly one of the best compliments - I definately have to agree. Strangely I have always known how a relationship would end within a month - except this one. I still do not know where it is going. It strangely has fading moments. Sometimes I feel like I can't live without her... sometimes I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin being in the same room. Of course this is when she is having her moments too. I just know that if it does end I can not be around her - as much as I would want to. It is critical to one's healing process. Something that my ex didn't understand or didn't want to understand. I love Sarabeth way too much and I could not be witness to her dating knowing she loves sex. The hard thing about her is that she is hard to read - and I was wrong about her at the start and all the way through. Times when I thought she must be absolutely nuts - she actually had motives. I know she loves me. Sometimes I think as much as she knows me... sometimes she misses things... or maybe she picks them up and I miss them. Like if I wasn't with her... would I date? I say no... she says yes. I know one thing... if I did date I would not compromise anything... that's for sure. It's the little things that kill us. I am not for everyone... I know this. Just like... most women would drive me crazy. I can't stand high maintenance women... all the time. I play video games... and sometimes... I am antisocial and do not want to go out. I need rest time. Depression is ok some of the time... just not all of the time. I have my own problems thank you. I am comfortable with my body and if they don't like it... there's the door. I don't like republicans... get over it. I am very liberal - I believe in affirmative action, equal oppurtunity, social security, and welfare. I can't stand it when people make fun of poor people or minorities - and I won't accept it in a g/f. Most mothers... excluding Sara's don't like me. I love to dance - and it is sexy when my girl can. I love onions... I bite my nails... I crack my knuckles. I love history and like to visit landmarks - I hate it when I travel and only go to where my g/f goes. It really irked me when I went to Pennsylvania spent a week watching the Amish because she wanted to - and ONLY did what my ex wanted while we were there. I wanted to see Gettysberg - but no... she was bored for the whole hour we were there so instead we ended up spending hours in Boyds Bear Factory because she wanted to. It was like the ultimate in selfishness and torture. I can't stand screamers in relationships. I love the history channel - and horror flicks. I think its important that we treat each other once in a while - flowers, candy, games, massages - little things and not one treat the other all the time. I can't stand selfish g/fs. The kind that never get up... but ask you all the time to go and get them stuff. Everything has to be their way - all the time. Where to eat, where to go, what to do, what to watch, what to buy, how to dress, what to say, how to behave, and even sex - its like they want you to become them or their ideal person and don't recognize you are an individual. I just know this individual can not be with every individual. I am no one's maid - if we live together clean up your own shit, and take turns on chores. You know its really fucked up when you go to do a favor for an ex and she asks you to take out her garbage... like you did a million times before in the relationship. It's kinda like the cherry on top. I don't like people who say they are one thing... and are totally the opposite. Sarabeth has been honest from the very beginning. All the things I want in someone I have in sarabeth... almost. It's kinda funny... all my little idiosyncrecies Rheanna was kind enough to share with Sarabeth early on... in a fit of rage... but it really got all that crap out there. I realize now Sarabeth was laughing inside - almost like... yeah, is there something wrong with that? Later she told me that one must look at the motives as well as what is said. I think I like that approach though... get it out there.. get it all out there. I know there is more honesty in Sarabeth and my's relationship than with any other relationships - Just as I know there was little honesty founding Rheanna's relationship - just as there was little honesty founding Rheanna and My's relationship. From both of us. I would rather have honesty in a breakup than lies in a relationship. Just like you can tell the quality of the relationship by the quality of the breakup. Breakups - Elisa - came to my work, cleaned out my wallet, and didn't find out till I went to pay for gas. Jean - talked me into breaking up with her - moved out on Friday after 4 years - she brought her new g/f by within a week to my new apt where she did all but pee on Jean to mark her territory. Very poor taste. Jennifer - my favorite - we got into a one sided argument - Got sick of her yelling, I told her I would see her later - came by to apologize and she was naked with the girl who ended up being her next longterm. She never talked to me again - even though I saw her on numerous occasions and she blatently ignored me. Maria - Got deployed - she started seeing stacey with my kinda approval - wrote to me regularly - most loyal friend. Mariam - Breakup came when I boarded the plane - she didn't drive me to the airport - she stayed at the Embassy with the marines. She still emailed me - Now she's "mared wit babi". Lisa - she was my g/f when I was deployed to Yemen - tried to make it work - but time killed it. I think we could have made it if I was not sent off - which is one of the reasons her g/f has banned me from her life. Sad really. But understandable. Her g/f doesn't know me - but she hates me. Lisa still talks to me secretly - I don't ever say anything about her g/f ever regardless. Its something that we both know - but why dwell? Rheanna - Even when I was with my new g/f she would still come over to be "held", she didn't care who held her. She refused to give me space - in my own house, with my girlfriend. She wouldn't leave -I don't mean hours - I mean days, weeks, months - she showed up on my dates - called me all the time, refused to give me space, practically suffocated me. Cried constantly. And I felt too guilty to take a stand. Yes - I cheated and I tried to make amends and be supportive. I wasn't her crutch... I was her walker. Proceeded to bash my new g/f (sarabeth) behind her back when Sarabeth was actually nice to her, and took back everything she ever gave me. Not that I really needed the rolling pin, cutting board, or other ignorant presents. She thought she knew me so well she bought me a cheese slicer - and garlic press - but strangely... she liked cheese. They say its the point of the gift - exactly - I was her maid. She then proceeded to try to make me feel bad for taking the dog "her dog" when she hated the dog when we were together. She talked me into getting the dog then refused to take care of it, yelled at it, sometimes beat it, and was mean to it ALL the time. Told everyone I stole "her dog". I honestly believe she couldn't pick the dog out of a lineup. Anyways... whatever. But Breakups are fun. I don't know what I am going to do with Sarabeth - but one thing is for sure - I don't want another relationship for a while and if I do they will be perfect for me. on another note - Murphy is really sick has been to the vet. He is not getting better.
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[30 Nov 2005|12:59am] |
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School started back on Monday - and I have yet to return physically or mentally. Been playing video games the past two days, watching animal planet, and a few movies. The only reason I watched animal planet was because i was too lazy to turn the channel. Sarabeth and I are now on this weird level... we get along great... but things are rather passive. A little too passive. I have almost ruled out the whole together forever in moments - I just don't want to actually be without her. Rather strange - I actually believe, almost know, I am the only one who could ever handle her, and vice versa. She is my best friend - but it has become more friend than anything. What keeps me going in moments seems to be the idea of someone else touching her - and not me - internally rips at me. I know if we ever did break up I would never fully close the book on her. I know she loves me, and I also know being without me would devastate her. She is more like me than anyone I have ever known - not the competitive, military side I show people, but the inside that I don't and have never. She knows what makes me tick, just as she knows when I am upset and bothered - even over the little things - sometimes this too is annoying - I can't seem to hide anything. None of the Ex's ever really paid attention - so almost immediately it shocked me. Sarabeth knows how to push my buttons - but then she knows how to pull me back. She is truly attentive to me and my needs which is a rarity - and I am selfish in that aspect - I don't want to give up her attention to me. I would never cheat on her, I really don't have to - I can do it with her. These weird feelings I am feeling lately - I know she feels the same. Almost like - ok... what now. None of my relationships have been this way - sometimes being too close can be scary. I love her - it is just not lustful like it was. I feel as though I am falling out of love - I don't want anyone else - I really don't think dating is in the cards even if we broke up. Hmmm..
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| Pheonix |
[26 Nov 2005|01:56pm] |
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cbs news |
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Spent Thanksgiving with Sarabeth's family in Pheonix. Her cousins are really cool and make me feel welcomed. It's sometimes hard being the guest because I feel like I have no control over any decisions. Not that I mind - it's just kinda strange when you're hungry and want to eat and are used to just going in the fridge. I kinda feel guilty - so I just eat the mad leftover turkey stuff. Sarabeth's mom has been really cool and I don't feel totally intimidated like I normally do. I am having a hard time socializing at the present time because I feel like I am on social overload. We leave tomorrow and I am glad that they are making alternative arrangements for Sarabeth (and I) because she doesn't like shopping with tons of people. I am soo glad that she is antisocial in hordes of people. I don't like tons of people anymore - so it's kind of nice and takes some of the pressure off. I really love her cousins house. The view is spectacular. There is a clear view of superstition mountain, and the backyard is beautiful. I really like this area - and if it wasn't so out in the middle of nowhere I could see living here. I hope one day I have a house like this. I guess there is hope. One thing Sarabeth's family has taught me is... life insurance pays. I am really glad Sarabeth and I finally got out of the house - we were starting to go stir crazy which was the root of some arguments.
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